Lemming Drops

Lemming Drops, a new sweet sensation brought to you by I. Berry Undertakers. Each sweet contains a secret blend of Arsenic and Cyanide.

“What with all this healthy living the Undertaking business has taken a bit of a dip, so we have diversified into confectionary,” says Ivor Berry.
“Since been taking over by Unipoly Corp we have been looking at ways to maximise our product and grow our core consumer base. The added bonus is that our glorious owners also have been given the contract to increase hospital beds.”

Good luck Mr. Berry. Lemming Drops are currently available in the following flavours:

Arrrgh!
What have you given me!
The Rasputin gift bag

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A Charitable Annoucement

Dear readers we at Ye Imp urge you to join the new campaign Paint It Beige.

It has come to our attention that the poor property developers, the rich, the super rich and Oylmpian Gods of commerce are being hampered in their chairtiable attempts to make London a comfortable and welcoming place for the rich, the super rich and Olympian Gods of commerce. Due to the shocking levels diversity, history and interest these poor oligarchs cannot feel fully at home.

Suzi Fanshawe-Beano-Featheringnest, fourth daughter of media tycoon Baron Fanshawe-Beano-Featheringnest, says:

“When I look out from my penthouse apartment across London, instead of seeing row upon row of glass edifices I see Markets, Victorian and Georgian buildings all in use by a wide diverse community. This has to stop! How am I expected to buy my fake fur coat – one believes in ethics – and sup my artisan coffee in peace if I am to gaze upon things I don’t like. What is the use of inherited wealth if you can’t remake the world in your image. Please for my sake and others like me Paint It Beige!”

The head of Paint It Beige property developer Brian Bland:

“I set up Paint it Beige to help others. Nobody wants a London fully diverse and thriving communities constantly reinventing themselves and adding to a culturally rich heritage. Culturally rich isn’t money rich and that is all that matters. Please join Paint It Beige, just by donating a small deposit of bung in some council member’s pocket then we can have the London we want. I won’t rest until St Paul’s, is a Polo Pitch and Southbank a Golf course. It’s not a fair society if London is affordable for everyone.”

So please, please help, if you see anything that appears to be unique, interesting or cultrually diverse don’t forget to PAINT IT BEIGE!

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For more information look around.

Into First Gear – The Early years of the Soft Machine

The Soft Machine were never going to be an ordinary band. More influenced by jazz, poetry and pataphysics, rather than the blues and rock and roll, they were also one of the most singular bands of the 1966-7 psychedelic explosion. They might be more remembered now for pioneering jazz-rock, but originally Jazz was just one of the ingredients to their stew.

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There was nothing normal about the original line-up of The Soft Machine. The whole set-up for a band was wrong, the lead singer, Robert Wyatt, was also the drummer. Daevid Allen, the lead guitarist, had a habit of breaking into performance poetry, while Kevin Ayres’ singing voice was deeper than his bass. Most remarkable of all was the organ, choosing a weedy Vox Continta, Mike Ratledge managed to boost the sound with some firey fuzz and a deliberately atonal approach that avoided blues phrases with something approaching contempt. As Ratledge himself said: ‘I didn’t see why guitarists had to have a monopoly on fuzz boxes.’

The bands roots lie in The Daevid Allen Trio, a performance poetry and free-jazz group that was spectacularly unsuccessful. In May 1963 they managed to complete just three nights of a three month residency at Peter Cook’s hip Establishment Club, before their mix of atonal guitar, surreal beat poetry, and drum-kit made from old bits of junk had outstayed their welcome. Apart from Daevid Allen, the band consisted of Robert Wyatt, on old bits of junk, and future Soft Machine bassist Hugh Hopper on bass. On occasion they were also joined by Mike Ratledge on piano..

The band had come together when wandering Australian beatnik Daevid Allen had ended up in Wyatt’s parents’ house, via Paris where he had stayed at the Beat Hotel working with the writer William Burroughs and the minimalist composer Terry Riley.

The house was quite bohemian for the time and had become a focal point for the local teenage Jazz fans, like Hugh Hopper and his brother Brian and Mike Ratledge. Kevin Ayres  – the only other long hair in Kent (© Robert Wyatt) – although not a jazz fan also was a regular visitor. However, the arrival of Allen was seismic, as Ratledge remembered it in Mike King’s Wrong Movements: A Robert Wyatt History:

‘Daevid had been around a bit and was a fantastic influence in Canterbury at that time. He had moved into Robert’s house when we were all fifteen or sixteen, he was a friend of Robert’s mother and brought about two hundred jazz records and turned everybody in Canterbury on to them… early Mingus things. I don’t know what would have happened without them’

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After the failure of the trio, Allen went to Deya with his partner Gilli Smyth. In his absence Wyatt along with the Hopper brothers, Richard Sinclair and Kevin Ayres formed The Wilde Flowers. This was a beat group, but rather than just rely solely on covers they wrote their own material (normally supplied by Ayres or the Hoppers), and also more importantly they played their sets as a continuous piece. Brian Hopper in Wrong Movements:

‘We also pioneered the continuous set idea early on… The concept was revolutionary at the time. It sure tested the keenness of the dancers.’

The Wilde Flowers were to undergo many line-up changes in its existence, and eventually also spawn Caravan as well as The Soft Machine. In 1966 Ayres who had left the band visited Allen in Deya. It was this event that  lead to the formation of The Soft Machine.

During the visit Allen had an LSD vision in which he saw his entire future life mapped out before him. In his Autobiography he wrote  about it at length:

‘I am a figure of focus on a wide stage lit by light towers. A large rock festival audience stretches far and wide. I am overwhelmed with the warmth of the applause… the connection between souls… the QUALITY of intense LOVE. Looking up I see with psychic vision an enormous luminous cone of etheric light which is simultaneously drawing astral shadows up from deep below us and dissolving them in the down pouring radiance focused at its peak. As I look out into the audience I see the same light sparkling sweetly in their eyes.’

He was also introduced to the possibility of rock & roll by the Yardbird’s singles that Ayres had bought with him. Especially ‘Still I’m Sad’ with its echoes of Gregorian Chant. Previously he had loathed rock and roll. His influences were the avant-garde jazz of Sun Ra and Ornette Coleman. He also saw himself far more as a poet than a musician at the time, but suitably open minded to the new possibilities afforded in mid-sixties pop, Ayres and Allen set to work creating a band.

They were soon to find funding for the project from an unlikely source. Wes Brunson was a tripped out optometrist from Oklahoma, who believed he was on a mission from God. Allen and Ayres band was going to be part of the mission.

They returned to the UK and recruited Wyatt and Rateledge. After briefly experimenting as a five piece under the name of Mister Head, and featuring a Californian by the name of Larry Nolan, the band soon settled as on the name The Soft Machine (taken from The William Burroughs novel), and made their debut as a quartet at the launch for International Times newspaper at the Roundhouse in London.

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They performed with The Pink Floyd, who got paid £15 as opposed to The Soft Machine’s £12/10, because they had a light show and The Soft Machine didn’t. It was an arresting debut nevertheless. Featuring a miked up motorbike, which would be revved-up during gig to provide some nice concrete sounds, they also featured a Fluxus artist.

In his autobiography Daevid Allen, Gong Dreaming part 1, remembers it like this.

‘Halfway through the set we were to stop so that a Japanese woman artist could conduct a “Happening”. She came on stage and the entire enclosure was plunged into darkness.

“Touch the person next to you…” were her instructions, and then the lights came on and we continued.

This was my first encounter with Yoko Ono.’

The band certainly made impression. Mick Farren in ‘Give The Anarchist a Cigarette’ remembers them as ‘loosely jazz-based, and with an amazing drummer they were a quantum leap beyond anything I’d heard in rock & roll.’ While Farren could position The Pink Floyd in a rock and roll context, ‘they sounded like a continuous Pete Townsend guitar solo’, The Soft Machine were bringing elements of art, poetry, concrete sound. ‘Their breaking away from the current norms, and open-ended improvisation, gave me hope. If they could amplify a motorcycle, surely my weird-ass atonal singing could find its place.’

One of the key influences on the band at the time was French playwright and novelist Alfred Jarry’s quasi-science of Pataphysics. Jarry, who had died in 1907, was a great influence on the continent. The Dadaists and the Surrealists were directly influenced by his work. There were even a group of writers and artist which had fashioned a semi-serious College of Pataphysics. However, in the UK he was little known until the mid-sixties.

Like Alastair Crowley, he was a man from a previous generation whose ideas were to gain popularity within the psychedelic underground. Pataphysics, at its most basic level says if you whack two opposites together you create something new. Which is precisely what The Soft Machine, and many others, were doing.

Their debut at the Roundhouse also caught the eye of Paul McCartney, who was interested enough to try and work with Daevid Allen on a piece of Musique Concrete. Allen had been making tape-loops since the early sixties, so the band had the drop on The Beatles by almost half a decade. Also you have got to wonder where that Pataphysical quote in ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ might have come from.

Pop maverick and future Runaways manager,Kim Fowley, also caught their set and was impressed enough to convince Chas Chandler and Mike Jefferies, the bands management, to let him record their debut single.

Fowley took the band into CBS studios in December and January 1967 to record. The A-side was to be Allen’s Fred the Fish, backed with Ayres ‘Feelin’, Reelin’, Squeelin’’. The A-side was a lysergic Goonish ode. Imagine Lewis Carroll leading some trad. jazzers deep into the Australian bush. Despite featuring a great kazoo solo from Wyatt, Chandler decided not to use it. Wyatt has quite famously said that Chandler had always been looking for Slade, so he must have been bemused by Fred the Fish at the very least.

Long believed lost, it eventually turned up on ‘The Daevid Allen Trio Live 1963’ (Voiceprint VP122)

He kept the B-side and recorded Ayres’ ‘Love Makes Sweet Music’ as the A-side.

makes sweet‘I wrote [it] in Hamburg when we were all staying in toilets’ Ayres has said of the song in Wrong Movements. ‘And I got really excited about it and said to everybody “listen to this, we’ve got a big hit here.” I thought suddenly everything was going to change, that this song was the one to do it.’ It didn’t.

Despite being a fast paced jazzy tune with an unusual structure, the song failed. It is hard to see why. The chorus is catchy, and Wyatt’s singing although very English, is also very soulful. It swings far better than any other single of the period, and is driven along by a monumental bass riff.

However, if the A-side was a bid for the mainstream, the Fowley produced flip was something else. Extraordinary even today, it sounds like PIL crashing head long into the Move. Its verses feature Ayres intoning deeply over a two note bass riff, before the song explodes into an upbeat pop chorus, repeat once and descend into chaos.

Both tracks have now been added as bonuses to the bands debut album ‘The Soft Machine’ (Polydor 532 050-5)

The Soft Machine, with their aggressive sound, and performance poetry were miles away from the love beads and flowers image normally associated with the late sixties. Pearce Marchbank has said of the band in Jonathan Green’s seminal history of the sixties underground Days in the Life:

‘I never really like the hippie ethos… The Velvet Underground were obviously far better… They were clean, New York, hard-edged. The Soft Machine were the same. Mike Ratledge in his long leather coat’.

Despite the failure of the single, now swathed in Mark Boyle’s light show, the band were becoming a popular attraction at clubs such as the UFO and The Speakeasy. Playing only original material, either by the band members, or of old Wilde Flowers tunes from Brian and Hugh Hopper, they were starting to get noticed. There is footage on Youtube, filmed for an Italian television programme, showing the band playing an extended freakout on Hugh Hopper’s track ‘I Should Have Known.’ Simultaneously, poppy and exploratory, with Allen playing a free improvisation penny-whistle solo over a Wyatt drum solo, while the audience dance on delighted.1967

The footage also gives a brief insight into the Soft’s at home. The whole band were at this point living and rehearsing at Wyatt’s mothers house in West Dulwich, along with associated wives girlfriends and children.

However, the strain of having four members each with different ideas of what the music should sound like and all living in each others pockets was beginning to tell. Wyatt in particular was becoming increasingly disenchanted with Allen’s free-jazz and poetry approach. There is further footage of the Soft Machine playing at UFO. It is a performance poem for UFO and IT’s co-founder John ‘Hoppy’ Hopkins, who had just been arrested for possession of marijuana. Backed by some furious and heavy improvisation, it is angry and discordant. Certainly powerful as art, you can see why Joe Boyd has written of finding Allen’s style hectoring. The footage can be viewed online at Youtube. It is also available on the Gong DVD, Montserrat 1973 on Voiceprint.

Around mid April, the band entered the studio again to record some LP demo’s with Giorgio Gomlesky. Unfortunately, for one reason and another, the plug was pulled after three days. The recordings have been released under various different names, by a multitude of labels over the years, normally as Jet Propelled Photographs.

It is quite disappointing that the demo’s don’t really display any of the attributes that made The Soft Machine such a compelling live act. Mike Ratledge’s organ has none of its fuzz tone fierceness. Allen’s playing veers from charmingly quirky, to outright atonality. However, Wyatt, and Ayres make a fantastic rhythm section, and Wyatt’s drumming show him to be one of the best drummers of his era. His vocals are as fantastic as well. Despite only stretching out on one track, and there being a slight feeling of a wasted opportunity, the demo’s charm the listener. Which would have been a surprise possibly for their audience at the time.

After the failure of the demos to do anything, the band were back in the studio to record the follow up to Love Make Sweet Music. ‘She’s Gone.’ Was another Ayres tune, a version of it can also be found on ‘Jet Propelled Photographs’ although it dates right back to The Wilde Flowers. Another inverted Pop song along the lines of ‘Love Makes Sweet Music’. Starting with a brief piano introduction from Ratledge, it swiftly turns into a dense ball of sound, that despite its boy meets girl lyric is strangely menacing. Once again the structure is odd, the guitar solo appears and disappears as if from thin air. William Burroughs also makes a brief cameo. You might not be able to dance to it, but it certainly catches the attention. The B-Side, a version of ‘I Should Have Known’ is almost conventional by Soft Machine standards. Truncated from its extended freakout as it was played live, it delivers as a great dancefloor slice of beat.

‘She’s Gone’ eventually found a release on Harvest’s Triple Echo. Three LP boxset from 1977. It can now be more easily acquired on the companion CD to Joe Boyd’s Autobiography ‘White Bicycles’ on Fledgling. ‘I Should Have Known’ has also turned up on ‘The Soft Machine Turns On Volume One’ on Voiceprint.

There was also, previous to this, an aborted attempt to record a pair of Ayres’ tunes. ‘Television Dream’ and ‘What’s the Use of Tryin’. So far neither tune has been turned up, either on an official release or bootleg. It could be possible that they were alternative names for ‘She’s Gone,’ and ‘I Should Have Known’.

With tensions seething and egos rampant, the quartet entered into its final stage. In July they headed to the South of France to play in a portable disco.

Designed by Blur singer Damon Alban’s father Keith, the tent which was meant to hold happenings, a light show and The Soft Machine, was quickly banned by the Mayor of St. Tropez.

‘We only played there five times’ remembered Daevid Allen in Wrong Movements, ‘ They found the music was too loud and there were a lot of complaints from people.’

The Soft Machine then found themselves as the opening act for a Picasso play ‘Desire Caught By The Tail.’ They were quickly becoming popular, and the French approach to the arts seemed to suit the band far better than the situation in England. They were being treated seriously, the American jazz journal Downbeat featured an article on the band.

‘There is a great tradition to France of listening to music and dealing with the arts that is completely conductive to the creation of and appreciation of the sort of avant-garde set-ups that we dealt in. Plus a whole avant-garde theatre tradition, Jarry was French after all.’ Wyatt remembered, once again from, Wrong Movements: ‘You could really stretch out in front of a French audience, you almost had to apologize for it in England.’

They were certainly stretching out. At one gig they played their two note Zen chant ‘We Did it Again,’ (think ‘You Really Got Me’ only more reductive). ‘We played it for forty minutes to an ecstatic ‘in’ crowd who instantly decided that we were to be the fashionable flavour of the month.’ Allen remembered in Gong Dreaming.

While they finally getting the respect they deserved the relationships within the band were becoming more taught. After one bad gig Wyatt told Allen that he was ‘embarrassed to be musically associated with him.’ It was a shock, took Allen along time to recover from. However, the situation was soon to be resolved when Allen was refused entry back into England.

He had overstayed his visa, and with the UK customs spotting a undesirable longhaired layabout it was back to France for Allen. However, it was there that Allen found himself slap bang in the middle of the 1968 Student Riots which became one of the catalysts for his band Gong.

With Allen barred from the country the first phase of The Soft Machine ended. The band continued as a trio and slowly formed into the pioneering jazz-rock group. However, without Allen’s waywardness some of the dangerous unpredictability went. For a brief period The Soft Machine brought influences gathered from French Theatre, avant-garde jazz and performance poetry, to the UK rock scene and widened its scope immeasurably.

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Theydon Bois – A london Genius (Part the Last)

We conclude with the final part of Harry Gillespie’s biography of Theydon Bois

In the dark of a Soho night the lonely figure of Theydon Bois haunts the French pub. It is 1961 and Bois has just appeared on the talk show, Farnshawe Chinwags, where he is the first person to say ‘knee’ on a television screen, and thus ushering a new age of permissiveness. As many social historians agree, this is where the sixties really began to swang.

That night though Bois was depressed, as an author he had hit a dead end. His vernacular novels about London life, although selling in their tens, were leaving him frustrated. It was at the French that the actor Saffron Waldren suggested that Bois joined him in a trip down to the hottest new night spot in Soho, The Penguin.

The Penguin on Wardour Street was a dive, a former clip joint that had gone down in the world, was now filled to the brim with pilled up Mods and sweating with a constant sound track of raw R & B. Bois could not understand why Waldren would have brought him there. Until, that is that he met, a hawk like face, gimlet eyed in dark, the American author Jimmy Moles.

Moles was in England coasting on the success of his avant-garde beatnik novel Breakfast in the Buff, a shocking exposure of the underbelly of so called respectability, written using Moles’ write anything and stick it together technique. When the club closed in the early morning Bois was so inspired by Moles that over the next couple of minutes he composed and completed his next novel the avant-garde masterpiece ‘Er old Man’s got an Electric Brain Paddle.

Er old Man’s got an Electric Brain Paddle, consisted of 110 pages of varying degrees of blackness, with only the two centre pages containing any legible writing. Across the centre was the instruction:

Lob this in your gob.

Er old Man’s got an Electric Brain Paddle sent shock waves through the literary establishment, not since Seamus Shins had published Fergal’s Funeral had the English language seen such a blatant attack on meaning. The pages of the literary press were burning with furious letters of Bois’ supporters and detractors. Was this art or sheer lunacy? The modernist poet Dame Vera Sideburns herself wrote in eloquent defence of Bois:

Hang the fraudulent bastard.

Bois’ himself refused to be drawn into any discussion about his work, preferring to maintain an air studied drunkenness.

The sixties was a time of radical change, and Bois was not one to remain static, in 1967 he published his next great work of the sixties. Eschewing the usual media for printed material, Bois next publication was a lump of coal shaped like a book and entitled Burn this Book.

It sold even more copies than ‘Er old Man’s got an Electric Brain Paddle, although many copies were sold, in a weird self-fulfilling prophesy,  just so people could lob them through Bois’ window.

As the end of the sixties tripped into a psychedelic sunset, Bois was often approached by many bands to write lyrics for them. Disgusted by the royalties offered Bois turned most offers down with a punch to the nose. However, all that changed in early 1972 when the space-rock band Falconfart asked Bois to join them on their 1972 tour of universities and colleges. The so called Electric Brain Paddle Communion utilised Bois’ skills as a poet and closed after two performances and the suicides of three of the band members. Bois’ was so stricken with the lack of money paid upfront after that tragedy that he immediately quit writing, returning instead to selling hooky gear down the market.

From 1972 until the end of his life in 1984 after falling down a manhole in Stepney while fleeing an irate traffic warden, Bois never wrote another piece. It is however, the prolific years of life and the great works that he left behind to posterity that have truly marked him out as the Bard of East Acton.

Theydon Bois’ 1914 – 1984.

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Harry Gillespie is currently being sued by the Theydon Bois Apprection Society

 

 

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Theydon Bois – A London Genius (Part the Second)

We continue with Harry Gillespie’s biography of that great author Theydon Bois.

There have been many great war poems written over the years, yet none, it is arguable are as singular as Bois’  Stop It!:

Don’t point that thing at me

You’ll have someones eye out.

This moving elegy to grace under fire is made all the more remarkable for when it was written Bois was not involved in any actual campaign. On receiving his call up papers in 1941 he spent the next two years on the lam living in disguise as Mrs Myrtle Pickles Landlady at the Dunroamin Guest House Edinburgh.

Upon his capture in 1943 Bois was promptly thrown into an army prison. Bois scholars still debate the exact nature of his deception, was it a brave stand against the war  or just an act of cowardice with a bit of cross-dressing thrown in. One thing is clear, Bois was not soldier material. Bois himself remembered it thusly.

One thing is clear, I was not soldier material.

Theydon Bois: The Memoirs of Myrtle Pickles

Shortly after his release from prison he was drafted in the Royal Regiment of the Placated Mallards, however he only lasted two weeks before he was involved in an incident which saw the end of his army career for good. He accidently shot himself in the backside.

How this was managed still baffles ballistics experts to this day, as he was in the mess hall and the only lethal weapon to hand was a bent spatula. And so on the 6th of November 1944 Theydon Bois left the war effort. Alone with just his dishonourable discharge for company he found himself out of work and ineligible for a Ration Book, and so he became a Spiv.

Bois, was a rather successful Spiv, selling watches and running rackets all over Soho and west London, so suited was he to the life of a Spiv that until his dying day he wore seven watches up each arm, selling them whenever he was short of cash (often).

It was during his Soho Spiv years that the idea for his great vernacular London novel was born. He decided to write an epic novel using the language and the culture of the people he saw about him. East of Acton, when published in 1955 after ten years of writing and re-writing, caused a sensation. It has been since hailed by many critics as a book.

It’s 1500 pages tell of the story of Bert, a simple everyman who wishes to become the Pearly King of Acton, yet when he wins the great Pie and Mash competition and the sequined flat-cap he invokes the ire of Earl Tin-Stanzas a vicious underworld boss, and sets in motion a train of events which are both pointless and miserable.

This book, and the radio adaptation read by Bois’ great friend Saffron Waldron catapulted Bois into the public mind. From this point on his life was never to be the same again, fame almost beckoned.

Next time Theydon Bois in the sixties – Psychedelic Eels and Acid Skiffle.

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Harry Gillespie is the ex-chairman of the Theydon Bois Appreciation Society.

How To Play Chekov

Here at Ye Imp we like to keep up to date with the latest in the arts calander. So please enjoy our transcript of the latest production from the The Old  Theatre. Transcribed by that doyen of the arts  P L Stevenson.

And so welcome to the The Old  Theatre,  where we are going to watch a performance of How to Play Chekhov. The stage is set up in a traditional proscenium arch. The backdrop is of blue sky. In front of this running backwards to create a false perspective is an arbour made from stuffed donkeys, their hooves out stretched. Similarly the stage floor is littered with small stuffed birds, robins, chaffinches and other small fowls. Entering from the rear of the stage and carrying a large fish is Ivan. He is naked except for the carp’s head codpiece he wears. With meaningful strides he walks to the centre of the stage. Once there he starts to smash the fish against the floor with fury. This continues throughout the piece as the fish is reduced to pulp.

 Ivan:                                      Fish, fish I want some fish

                                                    sound of wet fish being beaten against a stage

 From stage left a woman in heavy black Victorian costume enters riding a child’s tricycle. She also wears a false beard. She rides up to Ivan.

    squeaky bicycle sound

Anna:                                   Have you seen my seagull?

      Ivan ignores her and continues pulping his fish. Anna lifts up her skirts to Ivan.

                           sound of metal grill being lifted

Anna:                                  Oh look there it is!

IVAN:                                      Fish!

From beneath the floor raises the giant papier-machè head of Lord Kitchener. It is so large that it blots out the rest of the stage.

LORD KITCHENER:             I haven’t got my liquorice stic k

The curtains close.

WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING

Join us tomorrow when Harry’s Pie and Mash shop will be performing a  sequel to Jesus Christ Superstar. Lucifer: A Star Is Born.

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PL Stevenson is the author of Steam Junkies, the rather funny (in both senses of the word) novella of misplaced vking hordes, mysterious cults and Soho night clubs available now at Amazon.

The Music of the Mud

Unearthing the near forgotten and obscure. Ye Imp features folk artist and allotment owner, Bert Phelps of Pillock. 

Anyone who remembers the 1975 classic Five Carrots in Devon Red Mud will probably sigh with sentimentality and loss for this now deleted classic, everyone else will wonder what the bloody hell I’m talking about. 

 The day is overcast, the ground firm and the vegetables are, well, under the soil. I’m sitting at the allotment of Barry Phelps, accordionist, violinist and lead vocalist of seminal seventies folk/rock band Pillock. 

 Pillock began playing folk clubs in the seventies along with such luminaries as Fred Scrivner, Nugala O’Hara and that bloke from The Turnips who had that album out with the tabala played all over it. Pillock were set for great things but Barry’s insistence that he divide his time between touring with the band and spending time with his allotment put pressure on the band.  A prestigious slot supporting Steeleye Span in 1977 was cancelled at the final moment due to Barry’s emergency return to his allotment, ‘because his perennials were coming up’. Recording schedules for their first album, Slugs on me Cabbage were also interrupted by the Kenton and district Fruit and Veg show held in the scout hut at the corner of the playing field where Barry won first prize for his marrows. 

 ‘Well, I’d bought some of those glow in the dark slug pellets and wanted to get me marrows in before those slimy bastards got to them.’ 

 Talk often veers from music back to vegetable growing in our conversation, making most of this interview irrelevant.  Although Slugs on me Lettuce contains seven original songs, including verions of Morris tunes Contant Billy and William and Mary, the album also has a seven minute progressive original song, Trellis, a mind expanding odyssey with no lyrics as such but Barry Narrates how to grow cracking runner beans with a bamboo trellis and a timed sprinkler system. 

 ‘I just let the others get on with it,’ says Barry. ‘I had to leave early when they was recording it to get me strawberries in before those bastard slugs had ‘em.’ 

Five Carrots in Devon Red Mud, Pillock’s second and final album contains the usual plethora of traditional music but track 5 is probably the most talked about piece as there is no actual music, simply what sounds like earth being turned with a spade and moved from one place to another. I ask Barry about this mysterious track which has baffled listeners for decades. 

 ‘Well, I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone. I had the tape recorder with me but me potatoes needed to go in before the winter.’ 

 Incredible. At this point the band completely split up and were fired from their record company. Twenty years later Barry recorded his solo album, a legendary, never released opus that would have been a triple album had any record company dared to release it. Sadly Barry could never get a record deal with his work. In his shed he plays the album, provisionally entitled Five Rows (Three for carrots, one for suede and one for sweet pea)

 I will describe what I hear to you. There is sound, what sounds like wind, a rushing sound like water gushing into a watering can. You can hear inaudible cursing, from Barry himself, and it sounds as if he’s cursing someone, no, something (he later tells me he’s cursing the cat at number ten cat for shitting in his cabbage patch, again.) After what seems like hours a thunderous voice roars, ‘Pat? Pat! I’m off to Wickes. That bleddy wheel’s come of me wheelbarrow again. Oh, and I needs some string to mark out me marrows.’ 

Incredible. The elusive metaphysical elements to this work cannot be dismissed. Is the wheelbarrow a metaphor for life? Is ‘Wickes’ some sort of devil, some devil that has our names on it? 

 We’ll never know. Barry has gone off to clean his water butt

Paul Melhuish

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Paul Melhuish is an author of various novels, including the sci-fi epic  Terminus. He also writes under the pseudonym of Paul Melhuish.

Behind the Music

Jeremy Chuff is Britain’s leading exponent of the Putanian Flugelhorn. Chuff, an alumni of Oxford’s college of music has long been hailed as an evangelist for this rather rare and beautiful sounding instrument. I spoke to Chuff a few days before his sell out concert in London’s Albert Hall where he performed Handel’s seldom heard Music for the Night Soil.

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Ye Imp: The Putanian Flugelhorn is a strange instrument, and had rarely been heard in the West, especially in a concert setting. What first drew to it?

Jeremy Chuff: Well Putan is an interesting country with a rich and complex social history. I was holidaying on the island, the climate is most agreeable for about nine months of the year. I was an oboe player at the time, however, I was experiencing dissatisfaction with my instrument. I could blow all night long, but the fingering was leaving me stiff. So my mind was open to new sonorities. It was on the last day of the holiday and I had gone to the bar of my hotel, a band had been booked to play. At the time I had not been exposed to Putanian folk music and so had little idea what to expect so imagine my shock when I was confronted with a line of five Flugelhorn players. They were dressed in the traditional dress of Putan, horned leather Viking hat and grass kilt with a honeycomb sporran. I sat amazed as they turned their backs on the audience, bent over and attached the Flugelhorn and blew off. The atmosphere was thick in that room I can tell you! But what a sound, I hadn’t heard anything like it and I had toured with Dame Margret Vander, and when she was on form she could really hitch her skirts and make ready to fly. After seeing the Flugelhorn in action I knew I had finally found my calling.

Ye Imp: That must have been an eye opening experience.

Chuff: Eye watering, I was in tears by the end. To come across such a beautiful display when you least expect it and for it to resonate in your heart.

Ye Imp: It is an unusual instrument can you explain a bit about the instrument and how it is played?

Chuff: Traditionally, it is made from a hollowed out Wartberry, which resembles a marrow, but is slightly funnelled in shape. Strangely enough the Wartberry, despite its name isn’t actually a berry it’s a type of bean…

Ye Imp: The most musical of fruits…

Chuff: Indeed.

Ye Imp: And how is it played?

Chuff: Well it’s a pain on the lower back, and you rarely get to see the audience. Because the Flugelhorn is wind instrument the pitch is made by the speed of the wind blown into it. As an instrument de la derrière, this requires a massive amount special internal training. I do at least 100 colon clenches a day.

Ye Imp: Do you have a special diet?

Chuff: I have a cabbage water every morning, and baked beans at least three times a day.

At this point, Mr. Chuff was called to the stage, where his performance left the audience in tears and gasping. Mr. Chuff has kindly recorded a brief excerpt from Henry Guff’s The Lament of Joseph Pujol.

 

Lady Maria Black

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Lady Maria Black is the arts correspondant for the Hersham Review of Books. She is well known in the circles that she is well known in.