Lemming Drops

Lemming Drops, a new sweet sensation brought to you by I. Berry Undertakers. Each sweet contains a secret blend of Arsenic and Cyanide.

“What with all this healthy living the Undertaking business has taken a bit of a dip, so we have diversified into confectionary,” says Ivor Berry.
“Since been taking over by Unipoly Corp we have been looking at ways to maximise our product and grow our core consumer base. The added bonus is that our glorious owners also have been given the contract to increase hospital beds.”

Good luck Mr. Berry. Lemming Drops are currently available in the following flavours:

Arrrgh!
What have you given me!
The Rasputin gift bag

cropped-yeimp2.png

Things of great importance…


A breakdown of the headlines as seen from the window of a Clapham Omnibus:

Well known person wears clothes

Well known person has intimate relations with another well known person

Something happens to a character on a television show

Somebody unknown does something economically reprehensible- scumbag!

Somebody well known does something socially and morally reprehensible – cheeky scamp!

Person kicks a synthetic pigs bladder and is paid a lot of money for doing so

Person used to be paid a lot of money to kick a synthetic pigs bladder for one person is now paid even more to do it for someone else.

cropped-yeimp2.png

The Exclamation Mark – A Heresy in the Making

The Exclamation Mark, an innocent piece of punctuation, oft over used by school children and OMG texters alike, who would have thought this innocuous gasper would have been the cause of the heretical war which scarred a part of Europe of the mid-medieval period.

Dr. Barry Meard

Strange as it may seem the Exclamation Mark is punctuation written in blood! It was in the tiny priory of St. Ignatius in the North East of England that a monk called Hafocueterp was scribing the Apocrapale of Isihigher, when at the end of a sentence to add emphasis he added a new sign taken from the latin for joy -IO- ! As nobody could read at the priory this new grammatical mark went completely unheeded until needing to pay off a debt the Prior sent the book to Rome. Marcellus II the current Pope was otherwise occupied in terminating his short reign and so the reading of the work was left to his deputy Fredius Bloggius. Bloggius was incensed, believing the sign to be an up turned i, and therefore negating the individual self-hood proscribed to all men by God.

In light of this misreading Bloggius could follow the only course of action left to him. And so Hafocueterp was emasculated and burnt at the stake, his member and parts nailed over his head – like the offending mark itself.

The martyrdom of Hafocueterp caused outrage in Priory of Acton. The monks – followers of the order of St Vitalis well known for their pink cassocks (the colour of pure love) and drooped heads (in constant contemplation) – wrote a strongly written parchment to Bloggius. This well thoughtout and witty retort forced Bloggius into Condeming the entire order for Heresy and sending the knights Templer over to wipe them out.

However, the Order of St. Vitalis (AKA The Deep Thought Friars) were also a warrior order and quickly took to arms. The battle of Wormwood Scrubs was fought at 3: 25 on The Feast Day of St. Bibiana when there was mickle frost upon the sod, as the histories tell us. The Templars had arrived first, and stood stock still, their thoughts upon ridding the world of this Exclaimation heresy. Bloggius had been sure of an easy victory The Order of the St Vitalis was a small and obscure one, yet on that day Bloggius was to be proven wrong and typography was to gain a new weapon.

For as the Templers gazed into the mist, they saw emerge the grim features of the upstanding friars. Dressed in their traditional pink cassocks their only armour was their purple painted helmets – for the head is the emperor of body in their ideology – attached to each leg, as a sign of respect for St Bibiana, were two rounded pigs bladders of wine covered in horse hair. As these great upright figures bobbed out of the fog the Templars turn White at the thought of cutting them down. Instead they turned and ran with their tail between their legs.

When the shame faced warriors reported back to the head of their order, far from being disappointed he rewarded them with a severe whipping and penance. It was for Bloggius for whom his opprobrium was held.

Incensed at the nature of the symbolic battle that Bloggius had had his knights fight, he stormed into the Vatican and beheaded Bloggius. Bloggius was then laid out with his head at his feet, just like the offending Mark.

From that moment on the exclaimation has been used to Mark both surprise and as a reminder of the follies of ignorance and hubris.

cropped-yeimp2.png

A Charitable Annoucement

Dear readers we at Ye Imp urge you to join the new campaign Paint It Beige.

It has come to our attention that the poor property developers, the rich, the super rich and Oylmpian Gods of commerce are being hampered in their chairtiable attempts to make London a comfortable and welcoming place for the rich, the super rich and Olympian Gods of commerce. Due to the shocking levels diversity, history and interest these poor oligarchs cannot feel fully at home.

Suzi Fanshawe-Beano-Featheringnest, fourth daughter of media tycoon Baron Fanshawe-Beano-Featheringnest, says:

“When I look out from my penthouse apartment across London, instead of seeing row upon row of glass edifices I see Markets, Victorian and Georgian buildings all in use by a wide diverse community. This has to stop! How am I expected to buy my fake fur coat – one believes in ethics – and sup my artisan coffee in peace if I am to gaze upon things I don’t like. What is the use of inherited wealth if you can’t remake the world in your image. Please for my sake and others like me Paint It Beige!”

The head of Paint It Beige property developer Brian Bland:

“I set up Paint it Beige to help others. Nobody wants a London fully diverse and thriving communities constantly reinventing themselves and adding to a culturally rich heritage. Culturally rich isn’t money rich and that is all that matters. Please join Paint It Beige, just by donating a small deposit of bung in some council member’s pocket then we can have the London we want. I won’t rest until St Paul’s, is a Polo Pitch and Southbank a Golf course. It’s not a fair society if London is affordable for everyone.”

So please, please help, if you see anything that appears to be unique, interesting or cultrually diverse don’t forget to PAINT IT BEIGE!

cropped-yeimp2.png

For more information look around.

Into First Gear – The Early years of the Soft Machine

The Soft Machine were never going to be an ordinary band. More influenced by jazz, poetry and pataphysics, rather than the blues and rock and roll, they were also one of the most singular bands of the 1966-7 psychedelic explosion. They might be more remembered now for pioneering jazz-rock, but originally Jazz was just one of the ingredients to their stew.

softs 67

There was nothing normal about the original line-up of The Soft Machine. The whole set-up for a band was wrong, the lead singer, Robert Wyatt, was also the drummer. Daevid Allen, the lead guitarist, had a habit of breaking into performance poetry, while Kevin Ayres’ singing voice was deeper than his bass. Most remarkable of all was the organ, choosing a weedy Vox Continta, Mike Ratledge managed to boost the sound with some firey fuzz and a deliberately atonal approach that avoided blues phrases with something approaching contempt. As Ratledge himself said: ‘I didn’t see why guitarists had to have a monopoly on fuzz boxes.’

The bands roots lie in The Daevid Allen Trio, a performance poetry and free-jazz group that was spectacularly unsuccessful. In May 1963 they managed to complete just three nights of a three month residency at Peter Cook’s hip Establishment Club, before their mix of atonal guitar, surreal beat poetry, and drum-kit made from old bits of junk had outstayed their welcome. Apart from Daevid Allen, the band consisted of Robert Wyatt, on old bits of junk, and future Soft Machine bassist Hugh Hopper on bass. On occasion they were also joined by Mike Ratledge on piano..

The band had come together when wandering Australian beatnik Daevid Allen had ended up in Wyatt’s parents’ house, via Paris where he had stayed at the Beat Hotel working with the writer William Burroughs and the minimalist composer Terry Riley.

The house was quite bohemian for the time and had become a focal point for the local teenage Jazz fans, like Hugh Hopper and his brother Brian and Mike Ratledge. Kevin Ayres  – the only other long hair in Kent (© Robert Wyatt) – although not a jazz fan also was a regular visitor. However, the arrival of Allen was seismic, as Ratledge remembered it in Mike King’s Wrong Movements: A Robert Wyatt History:

‘Daevid had been around a bit and was a fantastic influence in Canterbury at that time. He had moved into Robert’s house when we were all fifteen or sixteen, he was a friend of Robert’s mother and brought about two hundred jazz records and turned everybody in Canterbury on to them… early Mingus things. I don’t know what would have happened without them’

daevid

After the failure of the trio, Allen went to Deya with his partner Gilli Smyth. In his absence Wyatt along with the Hopper brothers, Richard Sinclair and Kevin Ayres formed The Wilde Flowers. This was a beat group, but rather than just rely solely on covers they wrote their own material (normally supplied by Ayres or the Hoppers), and also more importantly they played their sets as a continuous piece. Brian Hopper in Wrong Movements:

‘We also pioneered the continuous set idea early on… The concept was revolutionary at the time. It sure tested the keenness of the dancers.’

The Wilde Flowers were to undergo many line-up changes in its existence, and eventually also spawn Caravan as well as The Soft Machine. In 1966 Ayres who had left the band visited Allen in Deya. It was this event that  lead to the formation of The Soft Machine.

During the visit Allen had an LSD vision in which he saw his entire future life mapped out before him. In his Autobiography he wrote  about it at length:

‘I am a figure of focus on a wide stage lit by light towers. A large rock festival audience stretches far and wide. I am overwhelmed with the warmth of the applause… the connection between souls… the QUALITY of intense LOVE. Looking up I see with psychic vision an enormous luminous cone of etheric light which is simultaneously drawing astral shadows up from deep below us and dissolving them in the down pouring radiance focused at its peak. As I look out into the audience I see the same light sparkling sweetly in their eyes.’

He was also introduced to the possibility of rock & roll by the Yardbird’s singles that Ayres had bought with him. Especially ‘Still I’m Sad’ with its echoes of Gregorian Chant. Previously he had loathed rock and roll. His influences were the avant-garde jazz of Sun Ra and Ornette Coleman. He also saw himself far more as a poet than a musician at the time, but suitably open minded to the new possibilities afforded in mid-sixties pop, Ayres and Allen set to work creating a band.

They were soon to find funding for the project from an unlikely source. Wes Brunson was a tripped out optometrist from Oklahoma, who believed he was on a mission from God. Allen and Ayres band was going to be part of the mission.

They returned to the UK and recruited Wyatt and Rateledge. After briefly experimenting as a five piece under the name of Mister Head, and featuring a Californian by the name of Larry Nolan, the band soon settled as on the name The Soft Machine (taken from The William Burroughs novel), and made their debut as a quartet at the launch for International Times newspaper at the Roundhouse in London.

softo

They performed with The Pink Floyd, who got paid £15 as opposed to The Soft Machine’s £12/10, because they had a light show and The Soft Machine didn’t. It was an arresting debut nevertheless. Featuring a miked up motorbike, which would be revved-up during gig to provide some nice concrete sounds, they also featured a Fluxus artist.

In his autobiography Daevid Allen, Gong Dreaming part 1, remembers it like this.

‘Halfway through the set we were to stop so that a Japanese woman artist could conduct a “Happening”. She came on stage and the entire enclosure was plunged into darkness.

“Touch the person next to you…” were her instructions, and then the lights came on and we continued.

This was my first encounter with Yoko Ono.’

The band certainly made impression. Mick Farren in ‘Give The Anarchist a Cigarette’ remembers them as ‘loosely jazz-based, and with an amazing drummer they were a quantum leap beyond anything I’d heard in rock & roll.’ While Farren could position The Pink Floyd in a rock and roll context, ‘they sounded like a continuous Pete Townsend guitar solo’, The Soft Machine were bringing elements of art, poetry, concrete sound. ‘Their breaking away from the current norms, and open-ended improvisation, gave me hope. If they could amplify a motorcycle, surely my weird-ass atonal singing could find its place.’

One of the key influences on the band at the time was French playwright and novelist Alfred Jarry’s quasi-science of Pataphysics. Jarry, who had died in 1907, was a great influence on the continent. The Dadaists and the Surrealists were directly influenced by his work. There were even a group of writers and artist which had fashioned a semi-serious College of Pataphysics. However, in the UK he was little known until the mid-sixties.

Like Alastair Crowley, he was a man from a previous generation whose ideas were to gain popularity within the psychedelic underground. Pataphysics, at its most basic level says if you whack two opposites together you create something new. Which is precisely what The Soft Machine, and many others, were doing.

Their debut at the Roundhouse also caught the eye of Paul McCartney, who was interested enough to try and work with Daevid Allen on a piece of Musique Concrete. Allen had been making tape-loops since the early sixties, so the band had the drop on The Beatles by almost half a decade. Also you have got to wonder where that Pataphysical quote in ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ might have come from.

Pop maverick and future Runaways manager,Kim Fowley, also caught their set and was impressed enough to convince Chas Chandler and Mike Jefferies, the bands management, to let him record their debut single.

Fowley took the band into CBS studios in December and January 1967 to record. The A-side was to be Allen’s Fred the Fish, backed with Ayres ‘Feelin’, Reelin’, Squeelin’’. The A-side was a lysergic Goonish ode. Imagine Lewis Carroll leading some trad. jazzers deep into the Australian bush. Despite featuring a great kazoo solo from Wyatt, Chandler decided not to use it. Wyatt has quite famously said that Chandler had always been looking for Slade, so he must have been bemused by Fred the Fish at the very least.

Long believed lost, it eventually turned up on ‘The Daevid Allen Trio Live 1963’ (Voiceprint VP122)

He kept the B-side and recorded Ayres’ ‘Love Makes Sweet Music’ as the A-side.

makes sweet‘I wrote [it] in Hamburg when we were all staying in toilets’ Ayres has said of the song in Wrong Movements. ‘And I got really excited about it and said to everybody “listen to this, we’ve got a big hit here.” I thought suddenly everything was going to change, that this song was the one to do it.’ It didn’t.

Despite being a fast paced jazzy tune with an unusual structure, the song failed. It is hard to see why. The chorus is catchy, and Wyatt’s singing although very English, is also very soulful. It swings far better than any other single of the period, and is driven along by a monumental bass riff.

However, if the A-side was a bid for the mainstream, the Fowley produced flip was something else. Extraordinary even today, it sounds like PIL crashing head long into the Move. Its verses feature Ayres intoning deeply over a two note bass riff, before the song explodes into an upbeat pop chorus, repeat once and descend into chaos.

Both tracks have now been added as bonuses to the bands debut album ‘The Soft Machine’ (Polydor 532 050-5)

The Soft Machine, with their aggressive sound, and performance poetry were miles away from the love beads and flowers image normally associated with the late sixties. Pearce Marchbank has said of the band in Jonathan Green’s seminal history of the sixties underground Days in the Life:

‘I never really like the hippie ethos… The Velvet Underground were obviously far better… They were clean, New York, hard-edged. The Soft Machine were the same. Mike Ratledge in his long leather coat’.

Despite the failure of the single, now swathed in Mark Boyle’s light show, the band were becoming a popular attraction at clubs such as the UFO and The Speakeasy. Playing only original material, either by the band members, or of old Wilde Flowers tunes from Brian and Hugh Hopper, they were starting to get noticed. There is footage on Youtube, filmed for an Italian television programme, showing the band playing an extended freakout on Hugh Hopper’s track ‘I Should Have Known.’ Simultaneously, poppy and exploratory, with Allen playing a free improvisation penny-whistle solo over a Wyatt drum solo, while the audience dance on delighted.1967

The footage also gives a brief insight into the Soft’s at home. The whole band were at this point living and rehearsing at Wyatt’s mothers house in West Dulwich, along with associated wives girlfriends and children.

However, the strain of having four members each with different ideas of what the music should sound like and all living in each others pockets was beginning to tell. Wyatt in particular was becoming increasingly disenchanted with Allen’s free-jazz and poetry approach. There is further footage of the Soft Machine playing at UFO. It is a performance poem for UFO and IT’s co-founder John ‘Hoppy’ Hopkins, who had just been arrested for possession of marijuana. Backed by some furious and heavy improvisation, it is angry and discordant. Certainly powerful as art, you can see why Joe Boyd has written of finding Allen’s style hectoring. The footage can be viewed online at Youtube. It is also available on the Gong DVD, Montserrat 1973 on Voiceprint.

Around mid April, the band entered the studio again to record some LP demo’s with Giorgio Gomlesky. Unfortunately, for one reason and another, the plug was pulled after three days. The recordings have been released under various different names, by a multitude of labels over the years, normally as Jet Propelled Photographs.

It is quite disappointing that the demo’s don’t really display any of the attributes that made The Soft Machine such a compelling live act. Mike Ratledge’s organ has none of its fuzz tone fierceness. Allen’s playing veers from charmingly quirky, to outright atonality. However, Wyatt, and Ayres make a fantastic rhythm section, and Wyatt’s drumming show him to be one of the best drummers of his era. His vocals are as fantastic as well. Despite only stretching out on one track, and there being a slight feeling of a wasted opportunity, the demo’s charm the listener. Which would have been a surprise possibly for their audience at the time.

After the failure of the demos to do anything, the band were back in the studio to record the follow up to Love Make Sweet Music. ‘She’s Gone.’ Was another Ayres tune, a version of it can also be found on ‘Jet Propelled Photographs’ although it dates right back to The Wilde Flowers. Another inverted Pop song along the lines of ‘Love Makes Sweet Music’. Starting with a brief piano introduction from Ratledge, it swiftly turns into a dense ball of sound, that despite its boy meets girl lyric is strangely menacing. Once again the structure is odd, the guitar solo appears and disappears as if from thin air. William Burroughs also makes a brief cameo. You might not be able to dance to it, but it certainly catches the attention. The B-Side, a version of ‘I Should Have Known’ is almost conventional by Soft Machine standards. Truncated from its extended freakout as it was played live, it delivers as a great dancefloor slice of beat.

‘She’s Gone’ eventually found a release on Harvest’s Triple Echo. Three LP boxset from 1977. It can now be more easily acquired on the companion CD to Joe Boyd’s Autobiography ‘White Bicycles’ on Fledgling. ‘I Should Have Known’ has also turned up on ‘The Soft Machine Turns On Volume One’ on Voiceprint.

There was also, previous to this, an aborted attempt to record a pair of Ayres’ tunes. ‘Television Dream’ and ‘What’s the Use of Tryin’. So far neither tune has been turned up, either on an official release or bootleg. It could be possible that they were alternative names for ‘She’s Gone,’ and ‘I Should Have Known’.

With tensions seething and egos rampant, the quartet entered into its final stage. In July they headed to the South of France to play in a portable disco.

Designed by Blur singer Damon Alban’s father Keith, the tent which was meant to hold happenings, a light show and The Soft Machine, was quickly banned by the Mayor of St. Tropez.

‘We only played there five times’ remembered Daevid Allen in Wrong Movements, ‘ They found the music was too loud and there were a lot of complaints from people.’

The Soft Machine then found themselves as the opening act for a Picasso play ‘Desire Caught By The Tail.’ They were quickly becoming popular, and the French approach to the arts seemed to suit the band far better than the situation in England. They were being treated seriously, the American jazz journal Downbeat featured an article on the band.

‘There is a great tradition to France of listening to music and dealing with the arts that is completely conductive to the creation of and appreciation of the sort of avant-garde set-ups that we dealt in. Plus a whole avant-garde theatre tradition, Jarry was French after all.’ Wyatt remembered, once again from, Wrong Movements: ‘You could really stretch out in front of a French audience, you almost had to apologize for it in England.’

They were certainly stretching out. At one gig they played their two note Zen chant ‘We Did it Again,’ (think ‘You Really Got Me’ only more reductive). ‘We played it for forty minutes to an ecstatic ‘in’ crowd who instantly decided that we were to be the fashionable flavour of the month.’ Allen remembered in Gong Dreaming.

While they finally getting the respect they deserved the relationships within the band were becoming more taught. After one bad gig Wyatt told Allen that he was ‘embarrassed to be musically associated with him.’ It was a shock, took Allen along time to recover from. However, the situation was soon to be resolved when Allen was refused entry back into England.

He had overstayed his visa, and with the UK customs spotting a undesirable longhaired layabout it was back to France for Allen. However, it was there that Allen found himself slap bang in the middle of the 1968 Student Riots which became one of the catalysts for his band Gong.

With Allen barred from the country the first phase of The Soft Machine ended. The band continued as a trio and slowly formed into the pioneering jazz-rock group. However, without Allen’s waywardness some of the dangerous unpredictability went. For a brief period The Soft Machine brought influences gathered from French Theatre, avant-garde jazz and performance poetry, to the UK rock scene and widened its scope immeasurably.

cropped-yeimp2.png

The Futility of Art

It is with great regret that we have to inform readers that Laslo Plinge’s infamous novel The Importance of Canvas has been reprinted. Directly and indirectly responsible for a multitude of suicides, we urge the curious and the unwary to avoid this work as if it were the pox itself.

“A futile work on the futility of everything….” Wrote the critic Peregrine Phlinche-Finn shortly after reading the book – and just before he defenestrated himself from the 18th floor.  The review which appeared in the Highbury & Islington Bugle simply read Aaaaargh! –  supposedly a verbatim transcript of Oscar Smyth’s critique as he streaked naked down the Caledonian Road, with purple painted hair,  before finally coming to rest underneath a number 38 omnibus.

Yet why has this controversial novel caused such upset? The Importance of Canvas was first published in 1948 by Ging, Gang & Gooley,  a company which specialised in works concerning outdoor pursuits and all things camp. It was bought by accident by thousands of happy campers under the mistaken belief that it was a practical guide to tents. It wasn’t. The death toll in London that year was higher than any year since the blitz. The campers were no longer happy.

The plot of the novel, such as it is, recalls the tale of Paslo LLinge – some believe this to be a heavily disguised  version of Laslo himself – and a night spent under the titular canvas. Over the course of the night – and some 468 pages –  he describes in detail, in tiny exactingly excruciating detail, every strand and fibre of canvas in his vision.

The whole work is futile, it says nothing, it reaches no denouement because as the reader discovers after struggling through the dense punctuation free prose that Plinge himself couldn’t be bothered to finish it. As a reflection on the futility of individual existence and pointlessness of struggle –because it is a bloody struggle to read – it stands un-paralleled in the history of literature.

However, amongst all the death, self-harming, protests, book burning and lamentations the book had one stalwart defender, Samuel Beckett, who said of it:

Cor, lumey that was a wizard read.

As for Plinge himself, he returned to his first love of quantity surveying  (“give me any quantity and I’ll survey it” was his catchphrase)before dying in 1973 after sleeping naked on the side of Ben Nevis having forgot The Importance of Canvas.

cropped-yeimp2.png

The Reality Scribe

The whole universe is based on rhythms. Everything happens in circles, in spirals.

John Hartford

I crossed the aureolin sands, the desert sun heat crisping my fast depleting fat. Exhaustion had long made its home in my body, a waste floating in the wasteland. Above my head the clear blue cloak of the merciless golden god, below me his hateful carpet to spite my naked feet. Why I had come so far from all that I had loved and owned? What quest had dragged my into the wilderness I could no longer say, as I could no longer say what it was that I had loved and owned. I was here, but all memory, all traces of a personality had dissipated, the one thought that filled my mind, that single word that filled, no! had become my mind: reason. It was for that sole purpose that I strove forward, the reason, what was the reason?

With no will and knowledge of where I was going I carried on, my skin baked and my feet cracked, insect poisonous and large stung me, but that single thought drove me forward, and I became immune to all trespasses.

The sun fell and the cold cataract gazed at me from her velvet brow. I felt no cold, and knew of no sleep. To march forever until my soul departed to march without corporeality was that my reason? Maybe. If I could have thought I could (should?) have laid down and waited for death, but reason kept pushing me forward.

Suddenly a flare appeared over the horizon. A flickering. Then another, I made no attempt to walk towards these phenomenon, but as they were in my trajectory they slowly came closer. A weird music filled the air, a sickly pipe of odious melody angular and spiky. Before me now a fire burned, raging red, yet still as if frozen or sculpted. In the middle of the petrified fire danced the piper of the strange melodies that now floated around me, almost perceptively.

Naked was she ,except for a green cloak which covered her modesty as she played and capered, with a mane of red hair that billowed and flowed as if mocking the still flame. I recognised her immediately, although I could not say who she was. She stopped still as she saw me.

“You have made it at last,” her voice was that of a costermonger’s wife. I had heard it so many times before, yet from where I had no further recollection. “I knows what you seek, you want to find the reason don’cha?”

I nodded in agreement. Yes the reason. What was the reason behind all this. What was the reason that I had set out on this quest?

“I don’t know the reason,” she smiled sadly. “But I can help you… come.” I made no move but came forward bringing the fire with her and soon I was swaddled in both her cape and the still flames. They filled me with sensation, which I had thought I had lost. For the first time  I could remember I closed my dust scraped eyes.

When I awoke I found myself in a library. Books of every description filled the infinite shelves. The library, I could discern, was circular, although it stretched into the infinite spheres of the heavens. Huge, long tapering ladders disappeared into points of nothing, and occasionally the odd leaf would fall from on high accompanied by an expletive. The expletive would have come from one of the monkeys that clambered up and down the ladders. The librarians I assumed. They were dressed in red and white dungarees and wore strange hats which denoted their status. I watched as they went about their business in complete ignorance of me.

There was no door to this infinite repository of all knowledge so how I had entered I had no idea. Yet I knew that here was the answer to the quest. The answer to myself and who I was and why I started this. I would find here the answer. I would find here the reason. Ignored, I crossed the black and white checked floor towards a monkey seated at a high desk in the middle. He was robed in black and purple and appeared a scribe for in his paw he held a quill which scraped into vellum scroll which spewed over the edge of the desk. Upon his desk was a bronze name tag engraved in a strange script which read: Master of Reality.

Reason, what is the reason? These were my only thoughts, as had been since I could first remember, as I approached the monkey scribe. He made no sign of my presence but continued to write. I knew, I could feel that this writing would hold the answer, the reason to all this. He made no motion as I held the edge of the vellum that had fallen over the end of the desk.

I froze, and horror mounted in me. I screamed soundlessly as I read what this monkey master of reality had written and the full horror of my reason became clear:

I crossed the aureolin sands, the desert sun heat crisping my fast depleting fat. Exhaustion had long made its home in my body, a waste floating in the wasteland. Above my head the clear blue cloak of the merciless golden god, below me his hateful carpet to spite my naked feet. Why I had come so far from all that I had loved and owned? What quest had dragged my into the wilderness I could no longer say, as I could no longer say what it was that I had loved and owned. I was here, but all memory, all traces of a personality had dissipated, the one thought that filled my mind, that single word that filled, no! had become my mind: reason. It was for that sole purpose that I strove forward, the reason, what was the reason?…

cropped-yeimp2.png

Angry Smallbones

Recently discovered in a trunk buried under the A3 roundabout was discovery which has left the literary world in amazement. Inside the trunk, perfectly persevered were bundles of scripts written in the late forties early fifties by a hitherto unsuspected angry young man Donald Smallbones. Unpublished and un-regarded at the time, these plays and sketches bring to light the angry absurdity of suburban living. The East Finchley Review of Books has called them “interesting.” We at Ye Imp certainly thinks so, and Maud Smallbones – Donald’s Widow – has given us permission to publish them here. What Samuel Beckett and Eugene Ionesco were to the continent Donald Samllbones is to the A3 Roundaout.

THE POWER OF LARD

man 1: Good Morning

man 2: Good Morning

man 1: Talking of Good Mornings I have some Lard to sell

man 2: Really? Lard you say?

Man 1: Yes top quality

man 2: Perchance I could survey this lard?

man 1: Yes

F/X:                                                                 sound of something being removed from a sack

man 1: There you go Sir, survey the lard

Man 2: Hmm, hmm, yes very good (pause) wait!

man 1: Is there a problem with the lard sir?

man 2: Yes; were you not aware, or were you trying to pass off fraudulent goods?

man 1: Sir?

man 2: This is not lard, this is clearly Harry Eels the Pearly King of the A1 Roundabout  and Champion Spoon Player.

man 1: Really Sir? I think you’re mistaken

man 2: Well let me prod him to be sure

F/X:                                                     squelching sound followed by the sound of a motor revving up. through out harry Eels’ song the sond of spoons clacking at 78rpm can be heard

harry eels: (singing)    I’m Henry the eighth I am Henry the eighth I am I am. I got married to the widow next door she’s been married seven times…

F/X:                                                     explosion

F/X:                                                     silence

F/X:                                                     rattling of spoons on the floor

man 1: Well he’s Lard now.

cropped-yeimp2.png

Yakkity Yak

It was once believed that it was language which separated us from the animals, but since the mid-twentieth century advances in both vocal-genetics and animal studies have challenged this assumption. We now know that sea mammals such as dolphins and whales communicate through a highly evolved language. On land research has shown that most mammals have forms of warnings and communications which can be termed language. Prairie Dogs have a system of visual and auditory communication whose complexity rivals that of the higher primates. However, in a recently printed study Dr Henrich Von Hoden of the Austrian Institute for Advanced Linguistics, suggests that the Yak (Bos grunniens) has the most sophisticated linguistic structure of the animal kingdom.

Dr Von Hoden’s research has demonstrated conclusively that Yaks have not just the accepted concepts of food, danger and courtship, but also have a wide range of connectives and tenses (past, present and future) and are able to engage in what we would term as conversations. Yaks communicate through a system of lowing, termed by animal linguists as the Mooing Paradigm. Dr Von Hoden has measured the frequencies of these moos and found that there are actually great variances in frequencies relating to certain concepts or words. Using his knowledge of code-breaking and language construction he was able to break the “code” of Yaks Moo and translate it into German. The result has rocked the world of animal science and has lead to a great change in how we view ourselves in the world.

In a recent documentary Dr Von Hoden was able to communicate directly with a Yak. Using a frequency modulator he was able to replicate the lowing of the Yak, and for the first time ever man was able to speak to Yak. It brought a tear to the eye of many. His latest venture is to translate works of Human literature into Yak and Ye Imp is proud to present Dr Von Hoden’s translation of Samuel Beckett’s Not I into Yak.

Moo MOOOO moo Moo …. Moo mooo mo mooo MOOO… MooMoo Moo Mooo

Moo Moo moooooooo MOo MOOO mo Mo… Mooo Mooo Moooooom MOO Moo

Moo… Mooo… Moo Moo Moo MOOOOOOO Moo Moo… Moo Mooo….

(Etc)

cropped-yeimp2.png

The Burning Point! – A Partly Political Broadcast

In the light of the recent debates about tv debates, including the debate about who will debate and who won’t debate we offer our own debate on the debate about debates.

Our debatees are:

Irma Grant: a member for the Stout Yeoman of Britain Party (SYBP)

Francis E. Ton-Mess:  True  Blue Old Money Party (TBOMP)

Hilary Racket: We Care, Honest Guv Party (WCHGP)

Eva Lissor-Lat: Do I get paid for this Party (DIGPFTP)

Ye Imp: First thank you all for coming. What I’d like to ask you first of all what are your thoughts on the validity of televised debates.

IG: well it’s a bit American for me, this whole concept of television. For me, and any true stout yeoman, a evening at home should be spent gathered around the pianola singing Jerusalem.

FTM: Irma this is  the 21st century! What people want now is to have their Pianolas valued and undersold to overseas investors to be leased back to them.

HR: No no no Francis I can’t agree. The Honest hard working people of Britain want to see that their Pianolas remain untouched, not sold off…

IG: Yet in your own manifesto you have stated that pianola privatisation is a priority.

HR: no no no no Irma I can’t agree you are misrepresenting our manifesto, pianolas will be ring fenced but to increase the efficiency of pianolas we plan to introduce a series of Public, Private Initiatives (PPI’s).

FTM: Well that’s neither here nor there. It is woolly left wing thinking like that which has lead to the financial crises in the first place.

HR: no no no no I can’t agree…

FTM: to allow people to own their own pianolas and not lease them off a massive conglomerate is practically communism….

HR: no no no no I can’t agree…

ELL: we plan to build more…

HR: If you would let me finish, the Pianola problem is high on our party’s agenda, if we were to win power next time I can clearly state Pianola, Pianola, Pianola…

This debate continued well into the night right up until the expenses ran out.

cropped-yeimp2.png